Does this girl want a farmer???
The last few weeks we have been watching the 2023 series of Farmer Wants A Wife. A cute little show that we make the farmer endure. Groups of cute young women, polished and primped go on intimate one on one speed dates with just them, the very nervous farmer and a small production crew in tow. We enjoy a good love story in this house and as the farmer is made to watch, you can imagine there has been no shortage of commentary to go along with the viewing.
Obviously as a farmer’s wife, I take a special interest in all the young ladies willing to put their hearts on the line for the opportunity of love.
I watch with a keen eye as lady after lady tramps across the grass in most often very inappropriate shoes and dresses, all keen to leave an unforgettable first impression. Please note, by inappropriate I mean for the environment, not the person. Too high heels get often stuck in the lush lawn and just the slightest breeze picks up the short skirts, and don't let me tell you just how prickly a hay bale can be to a bare leg!
As the years of this show have gone on though, I too have aged and (hopefully) matured and I am seeing these young filly’s through a new lens this year!
I am slow to judge the ones who show up to the first dates in tiny bright coloured frocks. Now, these are not my personal choice of outfit, but I have a farmer’s daughter who reaches for the bright colours and funky designs. She grew up on the farm, shared in all the work, rides horses and motorbikes, goes hunting and camping etc. She is now running her own very successful beauty business but I have seen her jump out of the car in her work gear and shoes and straight into the sheepyards to lend a hand. To look at her in her beauty element, you wouldn’t dream of her in the mud and muck, but you won’t find a harder worker anywhere. She is also an amazing concreter and often helps her hubby at his work too.
This actually reminds me of a comment I received a few years back from a male colleague. I was working in admin at the time to help with the bills, so my day to day attire was, I suppose smart casual. He had never seen me in farm gear or knew me well enough to know that I was as regular a help as I could be. I had a day where I had to ask for time off to help the farmer in the shearing shed during shearing. He was short a few workers and needed me on the board to sweep and pick up wool for a couple of days. This man in utter shock and surprise told me it was “unbelievable” that this was the reason I needed time off. He said he could never envision me working in the sheds.
I think this could be a part of why I share my story, I want people to see the real stuff, the day to day and that there are so many incredible women out there helping run farms each day. Yes, some in combination with other work. So, I will not judge these beautiful women based on first appearances!
Most of these girls admit they have zero experience of life on the land, and I know for a fact that this experience they have thrown themselves into, will not give them a true indication of what life will be like.
When I met my famer, I too had almost no concept of what life would look like for me, and I had no mentors or people to help me along, except my man. The women who had “gone before” like my now mother in law, and aunties were all very different to me in nature, very much played the wife and mother role and I had grown up in a home where my mum worked full time. I had witnessed very shared roles in the home all my life.
For example, all of a sudden, I was seeing farm women who cooked – what seemed like a lot – all the time! My dad is a great cook and loves to lend a hand, my parents always sending food to people who need meals, cooking at major events around town as part of their charity work. Mum too always had a very practical approach, she would make sure I knew it was ok to put a bought pack of biscuits out for morning tea. Coming into farm wife life, I had never seen so much home baking! At times I did feel the pressure, but lucky I enjoy it. However, I hope someone tells these girls to just be themselves, you don’t have to be the next CWA champion – of course if they want to – then go for it!
Looking back, I see so many things that intimidated me about this life but I wasn’t aware of them until “game, set, match, marriage”!
I had no idea about terminology, machinery names, that there was different breeds of sheep/cows/goats etc. I didn’t even realise that some locations are better suited to fruit growing, others to stock and others again to sowing grains. I had no idea what a mixed farm was and if you asked me, I would be so embarrassed of my new found lack of knowledge.
This farm world is so incredible, purely because it is so chocka-block full of diversity both in the people who live and work within it as well as the very lifestyles and workplaces that these people offer.
So, why go on about it? Why speak up and share these thoughts? Well I have a couple of wishes that I would love these shows to highlight;
I really would love it if the show asked some farm wives on to the show. Ones that can share a little insight – and not to be over edited. To show an understanding of what to perhaps these girls might expect once the camera crew leaves. That those fairy lights the production team will be removed as quickly as the cameramen once the filming has stopped. That you will rarely, if ever get that shearing shed lit up at night like that with a romantic dinner – but go for it now – enjoy it when it happens.
To let the girls know that the days will be long, and sometimes the lonely nights in the farmhouse while he is out on the tractor are even longer. There will be amazing days shared, but he shares himself with so much more.
That the burden these men carry, requires a special kind of love. One that is ready to fight for the place these guys have running through their veins. That they won’t necessarily be able to express just how hard they find it, and that you never ever bring that up with the idea of ‘lets just leave it all then’.
I told my farmer that I was writing this piece and he said he believes so much of the fault of misinformation lies at the feet of the farmer and his family. He knows that I didn’t get the full picture while we were dating. He never asked how I was coping with living so close to his parents and all that that entailed.
He never really told me what the “normal” would look like after our wedding day. That it would mean no more endless days of riding around having fun. That was for dating. That now he had to work, and so did I to make sure bills got paid. That laundry was there, groceries to buy etc. Real life meant real life.
There is nothing quite like being married to a farmer. It’s so hard to explain and too beautiful to ever put into words easily.
The relationship between you, him and the land is unique and if you truly allow yourself to be swept up in it, you too will quickly have the “farm” in your veins too. Its always about the farm. Always. That might read badly, but that’s the best way to describe it.
Every layer of your life is painted with the layers of farm all over them. Your faith, your finance, children and how you raise them, your hobbies, friends and holidays.
It’s a wonderful expression of the most challenging and incredible relationships you will ever have if you are blessed to find it. And that is life with a farmer.
So, lets keep sharing what this life looks like. If you are another farmer’s wife, I love you. I celebrate you and all you have and will face. We are just plain amazing!
So for some last minute, quick advice for the beautiful girls hoping to find their love with a farmer on FWAW this is what I think you need to know:
That the isolation can be daunting sometimes, lonely a few times but mostly, the serenity and the views are more beautiful than you can imagine.
That you might end up living in a tiny little community with hardly a sole around, but truly, if you let them those people will love you more strongly than you’ve ever experienced and ask nothing in return.
That the houses are so far removed from the trendy apartment building you might be used to, but the charm, space and family feel it gives is like nothing else. But there will be dust and there will be mice!
That your future kids might end up in a school with less than 100 kids from K-12 but the opportunities this will give them are broad and fun and they will be more than ok. They will learn to be resilient and friendly and the hour long bus ride will be ok.
Learn quickly what you need to store in your pantry between the times you can buy food. Make sure you have plenty of the basics and don’t be scared to reach out and ask another wife how they did it. I
If you ask for advice – be quick to take it. The experience and knowledge of a woman who has ‘gone before’ is invaluable. Don’t be too proud to admit you don’t know.
We are about to watch the reunion show for this years’ season of FWAW. For the group of girls on the show that find love, I am thrilled for you. This farm gig is incredible and we need more young incredible girls excited to join the club.
I want you to be you.
Don’t feel like you have to morph into someone else – if you don’t like the pearls and the button down top with the collar up – don’t do it! I never have.
I want you girls to know most of all that there is a whole life and culture to be learned about, but doing it with your best friend is the very best ride you can possibly have. Trust me, I am still learning with my very best friend right by my side.
Xxx
Toni
FWFL
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